Chuck Norris is my hero

A good friend of mine emailed this to me a while back and it’s quite possibly the funniest stuff…ever.

About Chuck Norris:

1. Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
2. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
3. Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
4. Chuck Norris has yet to get a Jeopardy question wrong. Jesus has missed two.
5. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
6. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
7. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
8. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles.” Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
9. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
10. The original theme song to Transformers was actually “Chuck Norris — more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris — robot in disguise,” and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
11. To prove it isn’t that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
12. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of “beard.” Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus’ obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
13. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
14. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
15. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
16. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
17. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

This entry was posted on Sunday, December 18th, 2005 at 5:56 pm and is filed under Personal. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

Dec 18 2005

2 Responses to “Chuck Norris is my hero”

I know the source. Trot on over to to see for yourself. The Chuck Norris random fact generator is in fact the younger sibling of the FAR more entertaining Vin Diesel random fact generator. Yes, my friends and I have spent many a long, drunken and hilarioius night tapping the F5 button :).

A few of my favourites:

“Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi’s Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children’s hospital.”

“Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.”

“Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose’s sh*t.”

“There is no “I” in team. There are two “I”s in Vin Diesel. F*ck you, team.”

hooloovoo on December 18th, 2005 at 8:52 pm

hooloovoo, that’s just plain phenomenal. Seriously…i could entertain myself for hours with this.

Josh on December 18th, 2005 at 9:13 pm

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