SpottedWalrus

So yesterday I got a jury summons in the mail. I’ve never been summoned before, so I don’t really know what it’s like to go possibly serve on jury. I will say that I have no desire to go sit in a court room for even one 8 hour day to listen to a bunch of lame cases and I certainly have no desire to get stuck having to go for like a week…that just isn’t something I need right in the middle of a super busy time with client work.

So, last night I was chatting with some folks trying to figure out clever ways to get out jury duty. I have absolutely know idea if any of these will work, but I’m dang well willing to try them.

(Note: I claim no legal responsibility for your butt if get thrown in prison if somehow one of these is illegal.)

1. Show extreme bias towards people in general. Call the court and ask lots of questions about the race, gender, ethnicity, or religion of the possible cases. Chances are they won’t actually give you any of that info, but it makes them think you’re fairly bias towards those topics.
2. Tell them you’ll starve if you miss a day of work for this. Some states (like Colorado) don’t give a rip if it means you wouldn’t eat that night because you couldn’t work, but other states have a heart.
3. As a follow up to the extreme bias, when you actually go in for the interview, ask all of those questions AGAIN. Make statements like “Is this person white/black/hispanic/asian? Because it’s so typical of ‘those people’ to commit crimes.” Obviously this is completely politically incorrect and if you really meant it, then you’d be a jerk.
4. Show up dressed like the opposite sex. They’ll just freak out and tell you to go away.
5. When you’re sitting around, waiting to be interviewed, be sure to talk to other folks in a loud voice and say thing like “I’ve always wanted to convict somebody of a crime!” or “I can’t wait to sentence this guy to death!”
6. And my personal favorite: Show up wearing a t-shirt that says “I Send People To Prison”…the ultimate goal being to make them think that you either won’t take it seriously or you really just want to send somebody to prison regardless of if they’re guilty or not.

Now, the obvious answer to this is to simply show up and do your civic duty and serve. Doing so guarantees that you pretty much won’t ever get summoned again. But where’s the fun in that?